Queens....geesh!

Tonight I learned that female cats are called queens. Why should cats get such a regal name when dogs are called bitches? Anyway...

What my wife and I just did was out of dire exasperation. My cat, Little Bit, has been in heat for over a week now. Yowling, writhing on the floor like a wanton slut, pissing everywhere...it's been hell. In a class the wife took last semester, we learned that cats don't ovulate without sexual stimulation (neither do camels). One way to stimulate a cat is to use a q-tip. The dry, rough q-tip is probably gentler than a male cat's barbed penis. (People on camel trains do this to camels using their fists...) At first, we thought that the idea ws disgusting. But now we know how horrible it is to have a cat in heat running around the house.

Tonight, we fucked the cat with q-tip. It was violent...it stank. She scratched the hell out of my arms and stomach. It took us three tries. Now she's docile. We don't know if it worked. For now, the yowling has ceased. Beasley, the neutered male, started licking the wife's arm unabashedly for about 5 minutes. We think he smelled whatever it was that stank and liked it. I'm horrified...grossed out...and appalled by our actions. But damn it was funny...

Here are some directions found on www.everything2.com:

Equipment:
1 cat in heat
1 Q-tip Procedure:
Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.
Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there.
You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up again. What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God. Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.

We didn't see any signs of an intense orgasm...she just ran away and started bathing herself. Now she's hiding behind the couch. If I'd just been fucked by a q-tip (or something similarly painful for a human) I'd hide behind the couch too...and shut up yowling, lest I be molested again.