2 posts in one day, holy hell!
[Alternately titled: "The joys of dating a girl who is still in the closet."]
My girlfriend is 19 years old (she'll turn 20 in about 4 weeks) and she's still in the closet. Her closest friends know, her therapist knows, her doctor knows. But that's it. I, on the other hand, am completely out of the closet. I am proud to be a lesbian and I don't care who knows it. Now don't get me wrong, it took me a long time to get to this place of contentment with my sexuality; and I know that my girlfriend has to get there in her own time. I'm not trying to rush her in any way. I didn't want to be rushed at 19. I only just came out to my whole family and to the world last summer just before my 21st birthday. Now, here's the problem.
Around her school friends, she reminds me that to them, I am "not a lesbian." And heaven forbid I let it slip that we're dating. She's the same way around her family. I can understand her hesitation...but it seems unnecessary. Her best friend is a gay man. Her family knows he is gay and accepts him. They love him. Her school friends know he's gay and they also accept him, even though she goes to a Methodist affiliated school. Everyone is okay with his sexuality. So in theory, wouldn't they be accepting of her as well? I mean, she is a little obvious in the way she acts and dresses...and not having a boyfriend and never joining in the conversation about hot male celebrities doesn't make her look very heterosexual. So in short, to her friends and family, I am her dirty little secret.
I cannot handle being someone's dirty little secret. She has been rude, cranky, unsympathetic, and pretty mean to me the past few days. I visited her at her dorm tonight. When I left at 9:00 so she could go to sleep, I asked her would she walk me to my car. She whined and moaned about it being hot out. She knew why I wanted her to walk me to my car. I wanted a good-night kiss. She didn't walk me to the car. She walked me to the door exiting her dorm building and threw me a kiss as I stood at the door, pouting. Now, I am hormonal...and of course, I cried. But this is a serious problem. I can't and won't force her out. But I need to see an effort on her part to show that I am an important part of her life and that she isn't ashamed of me. Is that too much to ask?
2 comments:
heres the thing. it not too much to ask -at all-. it is your right if you are half of the relationship to ask for the things you want in a relationship. for you that means hugs and at least the occasional kiss if i read your post right.
on the other hand, it is totally her right to not feel 'ready' and feel a need to avoid being honest. im not saying its healthy, but she can be in the closet her whole like if she wants.
so it is seems to me you guys are on two paths right now with what your wants and needs are. sucky, yes. true, yes. in a dan savage way, i would tell you to well- give her up. tell her you love her but really need kissing in your life and being yourself around others. if she wants you that bad, she'll take the plunge and come out, because she'lle have a reason to do so. if her fear of being out is more than her love for you, she wont come out and youll not be together. such is life.
also, p.s. omg who does she think she's kidding?!? of course everyone knows she's gay. even her parents.
We have had a few conversations about it since the incident and she has agreed to be a bit more open with her friends. She doesn't want to lose me.
She just has a problem with public displays of affection--even if I was a guy, she wouldn't kiss me in public.
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